Emotional Intelligence: A Way to Heal Our Divides

We’d like to ask a question: How are you feeling?

For many of us, that question can be challenging—especially now. Tensions are high and perspectives polarized. In the aftermath of the presidential election, it is easy to forget that our emotions have been caught in the crosshairs of the political battlefield just as much as our votes. As psychologists at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, we want to know how you’re feeling, and you should too. Because emotions matter. 

“How am I feeling right now? How might others be feeling? How is my behavior influencing the situation?”

They don’t just stay in the background; emotions influence the choices we make in every part of our lives—politically, socially, and personally. They are immediately relevant and shape how we act or don’t act, from casual conversations to moments of deep decision-making. How your emotions interact with those of others are the building blocks of everyday life, but in the midst of nationwide epidemics of loneliness and isolation, compounded by a split political landscape, these foundations are destined to crumble.

Without the ability to understand and manage our emotions, and to connect with others on that level, we’re setting ourselves up for deeper division, more bewilderment, and more panic. That’s where emotional intelligence comes in. It’s a set of skills we can use to bridge the gaps between us, to heal divides. And though the cultural climate may feel fractured, it doesn’t have to stay that way.

We’ve Been Here Before

Our colleague, Diana Divecha, collaborated with one of us on an article on the art of understanding and repairing our differences in the wake of the 2016 presidential election. Eight years, two presidencies, and one pandemic later, it remains clear that this is neither the first nor last time politics will divide a nation. While our disagreements may look or sound different today than they did five, ten, or twenty years ago, the nature of human differences is not new. 

As humans, we’re wired to find comfort and safety in groups where we feel we belong. That can be as simple as choosing to spend time with people who think like us. But this instinct can lead to loyalty toward “our group” over others, reinforcing the divide between “us” and “them.” Yet even as this kind of instinct isolates groups from each other in damaging ways, humans still yearn deeply and broadly to connect. When we lean too hard into division, though, we end up missing out on enriching connections and collaborations with all kinds of other people, turning life into a constant battle of “our side versus theirs.” 

Us-vs-them thinking may have served us in ancient times, but in today’s world of navigating social media silos and political dialogue, we are destined to drown in emotional disconnection. As a result, individual and collective well-being suffers. If your relationships have been afflicted with any variation of weariness, anger, or apathy over the last few tumultuous years, this may be why, and you are far from alone.

A Mindset and Skill Set

So, how do we “fix” what is wrong? How do we counter the collective political exhaustion that has eroded an ability to recognize the raw, human feelings at the core of a true connection with others? It starts with giving ourselves and others permission to feel with the understanding that emotions matter.

Emotional intelligence includes a mindset that all emotions—pleasant and unpleasant—matter. It’s about learning and practicing the skills of recognizing, understanding, and regulating emotions—both our own and those of others. Yet society still socializes us to believe falsehoods about how we feel, that emotions are irrelevant or something to be controlled and overcome. But the truth is, emotions are data—they guide every decision we make, often before we’re even aware of it. 

In today’s world, where algorithms and apps bait our emotions to anger and fear, we’re often pulled into conflict instead of connection. To be sure, emotional intelligence can co-exist with your screen time. In the digital era, it must to some degree. At the Center for Emotional Intelligence, we even co-created an app called HowWeFeel. The app supports people in the effort to build greater emotional self-awareness. Our call to action is neither the dissolution of social media nor the tuning out of political involvement and activism. It’s about learning to navigate our culture with an “emotions matter mindset.” 

How It Works

What does this mindset look like in practice? It starts with recognizing your emotions without letting them immediately influence your actions. There’s no such thing as a “bad” emotion—so called negative emotions such as disappointment, anger, and even envy are what make us human. Understanding them is key to responding thoughtfully. In the end, it’s what we do with our emotions that determines the quality of our lives, particularly in our relationships, and, these days, in our political responses. Identifying how to effectively manage your disappointment or triumph after an election is crucial to avoiding knee-jerk, fight-or-flight reactions in, for instance, a comments section when everyone’s emotions are running high. Ask yourself, “Am I disrupting a cycle of harmful dialogue, or contributing to it?” 

This mindset also cultivates self-awareness and perspective-taking skills when we intentionally  pause to consider, “How am I feeling right now? How might others be feeling? How is my behavior influencing the situation?” Whether it’s a tough conversation with a loved one, a heated debate with a colleague, or a casual exchange with a stranger, these moments of self-awareness help prevent small tensions from escalating into bigger conflicts. Sometimes emotional intelligence means knowing when to step back and when to step in—whether choosing to walk away from a harmful conversation or choosing to apologize when things have gone too far.

Ultimately, it’s the health of our relationships that shapes our well-being, not the success of any political stance. As Surgeon General Vivek Murthy has pointed out, “Our relationships are a source of healing and well-being hiding in plain sight.” By practicing the self-awareness of emotional intelligence, we can tap into that hidden source, develop and nurture our relationships, and begin to repair the emotional fabric of our communities. Emotional intelligence isn’t a magic solution that will resolve every divide or heal every wound, but it’s a starting point. It reminds us that at the heart of every difference lies a shared humanity—one that can help us build bridges, even in the most challenging of times.

Robin Stern is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a psychoanalyst in private practice. She earned a Ph.D. from New York University and is the author of The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide (Harmony, 2018). She also hosts “The Gaslight Effect” podcast.

Marc Brackett is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale. The author of Permission to Feel (Celadon, 2019), he earned a Ph.D. from the University of New Hampshire. He is lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning.